I had a little mishap with a gold filling when I was 15. You see my childhood was peppered with many memorable things. Summer trips to Wildwood, sneaking Virginia Slims out of my mother's purse, laughing at the way Hispanic people said "pistachio", winter trips to Wildwood, and eating those little chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil. And, like most kids, I had my fair share of cavities. But unlike most kids, all my fillings were gold.
Now during one of those trips to New Jersey's land of magic, thrills, and unprotected stranger-sex under the boardwalk, I bit down hard on a stale deep-fried Zebra cake, and knocked out one of my gold fillings. At the time I was riding the Teacups with Sally Vesuvio, the hottest broad in school, and I wasn't about to pull out my bloody filling, especially if I had any hopes of kissing her and feeling her ample manigots!
So I did what any reasonable kid my age would do. I swallowed it. And when the ride stopped, she threw up on me. Goddamn Teacups. But, she felt really bad so she let me look down her shirt for a count of eight mississippi. It was dynamite.
So after a busy Christmas season, and a special extended Christmas Eve mass where my daughter Jenette's CCD class reenacted Mary's entire 21-hours of labor during the birth of Christ complete with her botched C-section, and successful O-section, my family and I sat down to a delicious 7 fishes dinner. Shortly after dinner I made my way up to the bathroom and prepared for a peaceful 15 to 45 minute BM while catching up on why Esquire chose Kate Beckinsale as the sexiest woman alive. Shortly after they convinced me, I stood up and this is what I found sitting atop the mound of Christmas aftermath. (see above)
It was a friggin' Christmas Miracle! The Dentists told me I would never chew with that tooth again. They were wrong. I beat science! And I'm happy to announce that I am having the tooth re-implanted in my gums behind the tooth that replaced it so many years ago.
And in case anyone is wondering, yes, I will in fact have one extra molar on the right bottom side of my mouth. I'll be sure to chew any and all dried sausage on that side.