Sunday, November 29, 2009


Now although I am Gus Musterino, and gold is my passion, it doesn't mean that I'm rolling in it. Especially now with how the weather is. I mean the economy. And I'm sure the weather has something to do with it too. Plus, I gots a few daughters, so the holiday season can be killer. But this year I scored big time.

I woke up at 1:00 am, like a goddamn champ, Friday morning and camped out in front of the Ed Hardy store on the corner of Reed and Blanton across from the Chili's. Although there were still at least thirty people ahead of me, and it was so cold the urine froze inside my bladder, it was completely worth it. I got all my daughters done in one day with the Ed Hardy three for one skirt sale. Each skirt matches one of my daughters personalities. Check these out:

This one is for my daughter Adrienne because she's the poet in the family.
She writes poems and prints them out on fancy paper from AC Moore. They're friggin' beautiful! So that's why I got her the skirt that says, "Love Kills Slowly", because that's poetry right there. I wish my own words conveyed half the beauty Mr. Hardy's does.

See what Ed Hardy did here is genius. He took something scary (skull) and combined it with something not scary (roses). This is called juxtaposition. That's like taking a grizzly bear and putting a human baby in it's mouth. They offset one another and make you think. Why is the baby in the bear's mouth? And then the answer dawns on you: Society. See? Makes you think. My daughter Gianna likes to think, so this one's for her.

This one I got for Franchessca because I can never understand what the hell she's talking about and I couldn't understand what this was a picture of so that seemed perfect.

This is a rare E. Hardy release for my daughter Raquel. Part of the infamous "TATTOO" line, the story behind this design is that originally it had a picture of a tiger with the body of a mermaid wrapped around an anchor with a rose behind it that was giving birth to a baby Velociraptor swinging a samurai sword. Underneath it said, "Teach a man to fish", but at the last minute he decided to get rid of all that and just let his name say it all....."ED".

Very classy sir.

This one is for my daughter Mimi. I don't know her that well, but I figured this skirt would give us something to talk about.

Brittany gets this one because according to the Japanese, tigers represent
invincibility. And if any of my daughters is gonna live forever, it'll be Brittany because all she eats is Luna bars. Those things are packed with vitamins and essential girl hormones. If you're a chick, I suggest buying in bulk.

Jennette gets this one to wear on Sundays' when she teaches CCD.

The rest of my daughters are getting ten month gift certificates to Hollywood tans. And I got my wife some heels and a new beach chair with the entire cast of "Twilight" on it.

Anybody get any deals like mine? Better ones, or...?

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Fallen Star

Can we talk about something for a second? It's something that's been bothering me for years. A question I wish I knew the answer to but have been hesitant to ask. Not sure if I'll like the answer. But I need to know.

What ever happened to Michael Keaton?

I mean really. For those of you born after 1995, you might not even know who I'm talking about. And that in itself is truly a shame. Go rent Batman Returns immediately. It's the one with Catwoman in it. Me-ow.

This man is one of the greatest actors of all time. Don't argue with me, it's true. Poise, charisma, presence, he's got it all. And comedic timing? Are you kidding me? Has anybody seen Beetle Juice? Tim Burton needs to make another movie with Michael if he ever wants to get his career back on track. Fuck this Johnny Depp shit. Michael stands a majestic 5' 9" and has more sex appeal than that Chocolat hack any day. And by the way Johnny, Chocolate is spelled with an "e".

That being said, I know he has popped up here and there over the past decade, but how did this guy lose his leading man status? Multiplicity was about the funniest movie I've seen since My Cousin Vinny. Now Multiplicity isn't as uplifting as the story of an underdog blue collar italian american working his way up the judicial system to win the case and save the day, but it's still hilarious. Oh yea, and Michael's pretty damn scary in Pacific Heights. If you haven't seen it, I suggest going out and buying it from Wal-Mart. They got this big bin of 5 dollar movies. You may have to search while, but it's in there, trust me.

Me and my wife's favorite thing to do is re-enact the scene from Multiplicity where Michael's character Doug has already made three other clones of himself, and Andie Macdowell goes from room to room and bangs all of them thinking they're the same guy with a crazy sex drive. But they're not! That's what's so hot! And my wife's gotten really good at acting like she doesn't know I'm the same person when we do it. Sometimes I even think I'm a different guy. Especially when she calls me names that aren't mine.

The point is Michael Keaton needs to come back. He needs a nice meaty lead role in a movie where he maybe plays an aging wrestler who has heart problems and an estranged daughter. It could be called "The Grappler" or "The old guy in the ring that deserves a second chance at life".

Are there any actors/actresses you love that fell off the face of the earth?

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Classy broad with Styles to boot

You know who has great style? Lady GaGa. But you might ask, isn't she a dude? Well I'm here to settle this misnomer once and for all. The truth? I don't know.

BUT, it is a high possibility that the rumor that Lady GaGa is a man was started by Christina Aguilera as a smear campaign against Lady GaGa with the intention of slumping her record sales.

It's a shame what pop stars will resort to these days in order to surpass the competition.

Although, I have always felt bad for Christina especially after the smear campaign Brittany Spears' started against her in the late '90's where Brittany tried to get everyone to believe that Christina was Spanish. A rumor like that will kill your career! Look what happened to Lou diamond Phillips!

I mean Brittany Spears even went as far as to CG in Christina's mouth to make it look like she's singing spanish things in some of her videos. Now CG isn't what it is today, so it's still obvious Christina isn't one bit Hispanic, thank god, but can you imagine if they did that shit today? The next Transformers movie might be entitled, "Transformers: Rise of the Machines who ride their bicycles on the sidewalk".

To prove my point, here is the actual sabotaged "Come on over" video. Just keep reminding yourself as you watch it that Christina has no ethnic credibility whatsoever, because the editing here may trick you.

My favorite part about this version? Nothing. Except for the fact that it's in a different language so it's harder to get stuck in my head. Makes me glad I got an "F minus" in Spanish when I was in high school. Beuno failure.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


So in case you don't know, either because you don't have the illegal cable hook-up Garret Teetsman down on Boysenberry lane offers for a flat $30 fee, or because you passed out after multiple rounds of lemon drops at the 2009 Miss Hooter's of Biscayne New Jersey after party the night of November 10th, my commercial never aired on Local Channel 24.

Isn't that some shit?

So for the past week I've been calling over to Local Channel 24 which is run out of the basement of the local community college. Not the one my daughter Denise goes to, it's another one. Their rival.

Rival community colleges. Weird. Without a mascot or any sports teams, at pep rally's do they just hold up signs that say their school has the more challenging liberal arts classes? If so, TAKE THAT South West Biscayne Community College.

Anyways, their media department has been avoiding my calls.

So I went down there and talked to the nice girl behind the desk and let her know who I was and what had me in such a state of anger and limited temperaments. Well she recognized me right away (turns out she's in the same court appointed road rage class as my daughter Adrienne) and told me she'd been waiting to see my commercial and she was sad it hadn't aired. When I asked her if she had spoken with the head of the visual media department there, she told me she's weirded out by that guy because he smells like sour cream potato chips and wears t-shirts that say creepy stuff like "Analog Ready" and "Dead Kennedy's".

So then I described to her how incredible the commercial was and she told me that she really likes the commercial on TV with the nice old man that teaches people how to turn their PCs on and type sentences in Word with his mail order computer lessons.

So I told her I agreed, he's an extremely classy guy, the only problem is he needs more style. Then after about another fifteen minutes of talking about related topics, she pointed me down the hall to the media department. I made my way down the hall, knocked on the door, and a small round balding kid in his early thirties answered the door sipping a monster energy drink through a bendy straw.

"Can I help you?" Sluuurrrrp.

"Yea you can help me! You were supposed to show my commercial on Nov. 10th between the hours of 12 midnight and 2:17 am!"

"Oh yea, we were gonna, but instead we showed ten hours of Akira Kurosawa films, which actually means we only showed about one and a half of his films. We did so because it is the 60th anniversary of his film 'Stray Dog'. But i guess you didn't know that now did you?"

"Well I don't A-Care-a Kurosawa how many years it's been! What about my commercial?!"

(Ok, I didn't really say that, but wouldn't that have been good?! Next time.)

"Sir the films of the greatest Japanese filmmaker of the past century are far more important than a commercial spot promoting the exchange of money for one's personal gold possessions. Plus your tape was sent over from our rival school, and that just doesn't fly here."


"Now you-"


"My turn?"

"Go ahead."

"Thanks. Now you listen to me Geek Squad! You're gonna show my commercial or I'm going to have a word with the Dean!"

"We're actually between Deans."


"Sip it again kid and you'll have to have that straw surgically removed from your sinuses, sure as my name's Gus Musterino."


"Wait, you're Denise Musterino's dad?! Oh I'm so sorry Mr. Musterino! I-I didn't know! I promise I'll show it! For a week straight! At 8 o'clock pm! Prime time!"

"Ok then. So when should I look for it?"

"The week after Thanksgiving. Our school is shut down until then."

"That works. And by the way. You really do smell like sour cream potato chips."

"I know."

And that's it. Turns out that the media kid has a fairly large crush on my daughter Denise from the last time they had a pep rally, and as gross as that is, it worked out in our favor this time.

So be on the look out for me and my daughter Denise's commercial airing on Local Channel 24 at 8 o'clock pm the entire week after Thanksgiving!

But if for some reason it doesn't show, then you should totally boycott Local Channel 24. They're a bunch of fagoles.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

One word.


Guess who's getting it!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

My Commercial Coming Soon (and a list of classy things)

I just wanted to remind all of you that my commercial will be premiering on local channel 24 on Nov 10th between the hours of 12 midnight and 2:17 am here in Biscayne New Jersey. I paid for it to show multiple times during those hours , but I was just informed that it will actually appear four times in consecutive succession except I do not know when. So if you are up during those hours, please keep an eye out for it. Otherwise set your VHS and/or TIVO to record everything on Local Channel 24 between those hours. Most likely you will encounter an infomercial for some sort of juicing machine, a get rich quick pyramid opportunity, and who knows, maybe even a commercial for the last remaining "Brangelini" in the states that I don't want anymore.

My daughter Denise and I have been hard at work on the commercial. She can do the cross dissolves and even make it look like the picture on the screen is trapped in a 3-dimensional cube that spins around. It's friggin' nuts for real. She's a regular Martin Scorcese if Martin Scorcese were a beautiful italian princess in my house.

She really captured the feel of my business and made it classy looking. That's my life philosophy. "Always look classy-looking". And what better way then with gold things? They are not the only things that make you classy-looking, but hey, they sure help. Other obvious things are:

1. tan skin
2. hair combing
3. pleated slacks with a leather belt
4. drinking all of your cold beverages out of a brandy snifter
5. taking a multi-vitamin
6. using Altoids
7. owning more than one ottoman
8. dog's that go number two outside
9. intimidating handshake
10. wearing a Fila windbreaker jogging suit at the beach
11. all-terrain slippers
12. the number 12
13. having a dish on your bureau for your gold rings
14. really big photos of like 40 or more family members
15. Lenox
16. Lenox Christmas Villages
17. my daughters high school graduation photos
18. medium-rare steak
19. collard sweaters with lines on them
20. white roses that are dyed pink and red

There are other classy things in the world, but we'll discuss them some other time.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

"Halloween troubles"

I apologize to all of my readers for not being able to post a blogs for the Halloween Time Celebrations, but we had kind of a costume crisis at the house. My daughters Franchessca and Racquel, who are both under the tender age of 16, said they wanted to be pussycats. Cute little cats with whiskers and the meows. So of course my youngest Annabelle, wanted to be like her big sisters and she wanted to be a cat too. I'll come back to that in a minute.

Now in the meantime, my daughter Adrienne, wanted to be "slutty" Sarah Palin, which I didn't like at first, but then I heard her do the Sarah Palin voice, and that shit is annoying, so I wasn't worried about any boys hitting on her.

So she was deadset on "slutty" Sarah Palin except she can't find her "Braidini". I mean it was nowhere to be found! And as everybody knows, if you want to be Sarah Palin, you gots to have the "Braidini". So after tearing the house apart looking for this thing, my wife and I had to overnight a Braidini to the house. The only problem is they don't sell them in the states anymore. I checked the "As seen on TV" website and came up googats. (That means I got nothing).

Now as luck would have it, my brother-in -law has a small store off of Canal street in Chinatown NY, that specializes in "As seen on TV" products that either don't exist, are hard to find, or have become very very illegal. Beef broth flavor injectors, self-lubricating lady beard trimmers, liquid cleaners that remove new stains from clothes but leave the old stains in tact, and reusable tampons. Things like that.

So I called him up and he said he could have me a Braidini by 8pm Friday night. This was great except what got delivered to the house by the Mexican in the van was not a "Braidini" at all. It was a "Brangelini". Now I don't know if you know what a "Brangelini" is, but it certainly does not go in your hair.

For those who don't know, for a short time when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were at the peak of being the "it" couple (according to Esquire magazine 2006 January issue) the Italian pornographic industry, or IPI (pronounced "yippie" without the "y"), decided to capitalize on the craze by modifying the already very successful sex toy, the "Fleshlight", pictured here:

(For those of you who prefer a real mouth and or vagina during love moments, this is supposed to feel like that. To me it looks like an ice cream cone that eats you. That's gross. Plus it looks like strawberry soft-serve. That's gross too).

Anywho, they quickly made one modeled after Angelina's exact mouth-hole proportions. Pictured here:

And the added bonus that made this version so unique, was that when you unscrewed the grey handle, it revealed an exact replica of Brad Pitt's man-shaft underneath. It was ideal for transgender sexuals and people with blogs I don't like to read. I mean it really was the ultimate capitalization on an "it" couple mash-up. But IPI never got permission from them both to go ahead with it. Angelina said yes, but Brad refused to sign over his likeness.

So here I am, Halloween night, standing outside my upstairs bathroom, my daughter Adrienne yelling at my wife about how she can't get her hair up in the right styling, my wife is screaming at me to look in the attic for the old "Braidini" we used to have in case it got packed away with the Christmas decorations by accident, and me standing there looking like an a-hole with sex-part replicas of the Hollywood elite resting securely in my hand.

Then to make things even better, Franchessa, Racquel, and Annabelle come walking out of their rooms dressed like the Las Vegas Bunny Ranch! Apparently they didn't want to just be pussycats. They wanted to be pussycat dolls. Now those girls are tramps.

This would not fly.

Then Denise, Gianna, and Conchetta start fighting in the living room because they all want to be Charlie's Angels, except none of them wanted to be the ugly one. (If you watch the new movie, the ugly one's name rhymes with Screw Barrymore).

And then to top it all off, my daughter Mimi walks in dressed like a whore. But not like a modern day whore, like a Jesus Times whore. She was Mary Magdalene if Mary Magdalene had actually gotten stoned. I mean there was blood everywhere. She explained that she was making a statement about how Halloween has just turned into an excuse to dress up like whores and that if it were 2,000 years ago, we'd all be stoned. She always likes to make statements.

At this point, I had had enough. To solve the problem I said they all had to go as Disney Princesses, or not at all. So that night I walked around the neighborhood for two hours with a gaggle of Cinderellas and one Mulan. I think Denise was trying to make another statement by picking the least attractive princess. But if she wanted to do that she should have been the Arabic one on the carpet. She's got way too much hair for her head size. It makes me uncomfortable.

She's like that weird home-schooled transfer girl that always smelled like wheat thins and front lawn. Every high-school had one. How come they never cut their hair?

So that's why I didn't have a chance to write a blogs.

Oh, but my daughter Brittany was a smurf so that was good.