Thursday, November 26, 2009

Fallen Star

Can we talk about something for a second? It's something that's been bothering me for years. A question I wish I knew the answer to but have been hesitant to ask. Not sure if I'll like the answer. But I need to know.

What ever happened to Michael Keaton?

I mean really. For those of you born after 1995, you might not even know who I'm talking about. And that in itself is truly a shame. Go rent Batman Returns immediately. It's the one with Catwoman in it. Me-ow.

This man is one of the greatest actors of all time. Don't argue with me, it's true. Poise, charisma, presence, he's got it all. And comedic timing? Are you kidding me? Has anybody seen Beetle Juice? Tim Burton needs to make another movie with Michael if he ever wants to get his career back on track. Fuck this Johnny Depp shit. Michael stands a majestic 5' 9" and has more sex appeal than that Chocolat hack any day. And by the way Johnny, Chocolate is spelled with an "e".

That being said, I know he has popped up here and there over the past decade, but how did this guy lose his leading man status? Multiplicity was about the funniest movie I've seen since My Cousin Vinny. Now Multiplicity isn't as uplifting as the story of an underdog blue collar italian american working his way up the judicial system to win the case and save the day, but it's still hilarious. Oh yea, and Michael's pretty damn scary in Pacific Heights. If you haven't seen it, I suggest going out and buying it from Wal-Mart. They got this big bin of 5 dollar movies. You may have to search while, but it's in there, trust me.

Me and my wife's favorite thing to do is re-enact the scene from Multiplicity where Michael's character Doug has already made three other clones of himself, and Andie Macdowell goes from room to room and bangs all of them thinking they're the same guy with a crazy sex drive. But they're not! That's what's so hot! And my wife's gotten really good at acting like she doesn't know I'm the same person when we do it. Sometimes I even think I'm a different guy. Especially when she calls me names that aren't mine.

The point is Michael Keaton needs to come back. He needs a nice meaty lead role in a movie where he maybe plays an aging wrestler who has heart problems and an estranged daughter. It could be called "The Grappler" or "The old guy in the ring that deserves a second chance at life".

Are there any actors/actresses you love that fell off the face of the earth?

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