So in case you don't know, either because you don't have the illegal cable hook-up Garret Teetsman down on Boysenberry lane offers for a flat $30 fee, or because you passed out after multiple rounds of lemon drops at the 2009 Miss Hooter's of Biscayne New Jersey after party the night of November 10th, my commercial never aired on Local Channel 24.
Isn't that some shit?
So for the past week I've been calling over to Local Channel 24 which is run out of the basement of the local community college. Not the one my daughter Denise goes to, it's another one. Their rival.
Rival community colleges. Weird. Without a mascot or any sports teams, at pep rally's do they just hold up signs that say their school has the more challenging liberal arts classes? If so, TAKE THAT South West Biscayne Community College.
Anyways, their media department has been avoiding my calls.
So I went down there and talked to the nice girl behind the desk and let her know who I was and what had me in such a state of anger and limited temperaments. Well she recognized me right away (turns out she's in the same court appointed road rage class as my daughter Adrienne) and told me she'd been waiting to see my commercial and she was sad it hadn't aired. When I asked her if she had spoken with the head of the visual media department there, she told me she's weirded out by that guy because he smells like sour cream potato chips and wears t-shirts that say creepy stuff like "Analog Ready" and "Dead Kennedy's".
So then I described to her how incredible the commercial was and she told me that she really likes the commercial on TV with the nice old man that teaches people how to turn their PCs on and type sentences in Word with his mail order computer lessons.
So I told her I agreed, he's an extremely classy guy, the only problem is he needs more style. Then after about another fifteen minutes of talking about related topics, she pointed me down the hall to the media department. I made my way down the hall, knocked on the door, and a small round balding kid in his early thirties answered the door sipping a monster energy drink through a bendy straw.
"Can I help you?" Sluuurrrrp.
"Yea you can help me! You were supposed to show my commercial on Nov. 10th between the hours of 12 midnight and 2:17 am!"
"Oh yea, we were gonna, but instead we showed ten hours of Akira Kurosawa films, which actually means we only showed about one and a half of his films. We did so because it is the 60th anniversary of his film 'Stray Dog'. But i guess you didn't know that now did you?"
"Well I don't A-Care-a Kurosawa how many years it's been! What about my commercial?!"
(Ok, I didn't really say that, but wouldn't that have been good?! Next time.)
"Sir the films of the greatest Japanese filmmaker of the past century are far more important than a commercial spot promoting the exchange of money for one's personal gold possessions. Plus your tape was sent over from our rival school, and that just doesn't fly here."
"Thanks. Now you listen to me Geek Squad! You're gonna show my commercial or I'm going to have a word with the Dean!"
"We're actually between Deans."
"Sip it again kid and you'll have to have that straw surgically removed from your sinuses, sure as my name's Gus Musterino."
"Wait, you're Denise Musterino's dad?! Oh I'm so sorry Mr. Musterino! I-I didn't know! I promise I'll show it! For a week straight! At 8 o'clock pm! Prime time!"
"Ok then. So when should I look for it?"
"The week after Thanksgiving. Our school is shut down until then."
"That works. And by the way. You really do smell like sour cream potato chips."
And that's it. Turns out that the media kid has a fairly large crush on my daughter Denise from the last time they had a pep rally, and as gross as that is, it worked out in our favor this time.
So be on the look out for me and my daughter Denise's commercial airing on Local Channel 24 at 8 o'clock pm the entire week after Thanksgiving!
But if for some reason it doesn't show, then you should totally boycott Local Channel 24. They're a bunch of fagoles.